Penny Dreadful

youvejustlostthegame:

hammerito:

Um, hi Jesus. It’s me, Mike.

I know we haven’t talked much in the last decade or so. Really, I think we both know that whole “I don’t believe in You” thing was overblown.

Right, so, anywho, I was wondering if you’d be able to do me a solid here. I still think the Phils can win this, but maybe you could do something to boost their confidence a smidge. Just like all the Christmas lists I sent you over the years, I’ve gone ahead and itemized a list of ideas. Feel free to add your own, O Lord!

• Give Ryan Howard the Wunderbat again. Remember that time he hit the 505 foot home run over the batter’s eye at Citizen’s Bank Park? That.
• Grant Joe Blanton the ability to throw lightning bolts. I saw him back in July and he killed the Cubs. That.
• Kill/Mortally wound/maim Derek Jeter. The man’s gotten more ass than Joseph of Arimathea (Biblical!), and he’s chronically overrated. He leads the league in grit. Like Brett Favre. Wouldn’t you like to kill Brett Favre? Do the right thing.
• Let A-Rod get caught with a Brazilian tranny hooker. This has less to do with the game than the others, but it’s still important.

But I’m just spitballing. Look, neither of us want the Yankees to win this because neither of us want to have to spend the offseason listening to me bitch about their payroll (Yankees - $201,000,000 Phillies - $113,000,000).

And while Philadelphians may be a tad intense, New Yorkers are just fucking obnoxious. Don’t let it happen! Let’s team up on this one, J.C.

Love,

Mike.

this was too hilarious to not reblog. I’m rooting for the Phillies, because, well, FUCK the Yankees.

Agreed.